What You Resist Persists

What you resist persists, and will actually grow. -Carl Jung

Resistance, it is everywhere today. I honestly think this is the problem with America, our state of consciousness, and what creates the ugly reality that is going on in our world today. Just search your twitter right now with  “#resist”. This is a prominent hash-tag right now. And it is flooded with people who “hate” < such a strong, negative word, President Trump.  The tweets that go with #resist are horrid and such a waste. The horrible thing is that resistance will only grow until one realizes this simple quote and how resistance works.

Resistance to ‘what is’ is a form on attachment. When you become attached to how something should be, to an idea, to a concept, or even a person, there is a fuel there that will grow and grow.

When one resists what constitutes their subjective, and quite possibly faulty, reality they are avoiding it, complaining about it, resenting it, protesting against it, or doing battle with it. Without detachment, their energy and focus is concentrated on not moving beyond what opposes them.  The adverse feelings around resistance involve  fear, shame, pain, or feelings of being hopelessly out of control.

Currently our world is resisting authority, resisting history, resisting differences in each other and this is creating a world full of instability, fear, shame, pain and a feeling of being hopelessly out of control. Why? Because they are resisting what is. Ironically Trump haters have labeled themselves with the hash-tag resist. This is beyond ignorant if you really know how resistance works. And it is one of the fundamental spiritual laws. “What you resist persists.”  Resistance means more of what you resist. Trump haters are in for a world of hurt until they come to awaken to this spiritual truth. So are racists and protestors of any kind.

Resistance is such a waste of energy. Imagine how the world would be if we all just turned that resistance into acceptance, and I mean genuine acceptance, it would be a much more peaceful place. Use that energy towards something more productive because with resistance, you will remain stuck.

Acceptance is the answer. Accept that history is what it is and move past it. It is history and a statue will not change it, whether we remove that statue or not. Notice how I am accepting the statue here either with it or without it. Trump is the president of America whether you resist it or not. And by resisting it you are only creating more of what you resist. Just know he will not always be president. Accept it, move on. That’s what I did while Obama reigned over our country. And I respect the office, no matter who happens to be there. While I did not vote for Obama, I did not resist him nor disrespect him either. I may not agree with his principles and values but that did not give me one single reason to resist him. Why waste that energy???? I respected his authority and the position he held. I accepted what is.

Happiness is the function of acceptance. -Werner Erhard

It is what it is. Accept it and use that energy towards something that will be more productive and peaceful in life. #quitresisting

#canyouseethis

 

Complaining is Resistance

To complain is always non-acceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness. -Eckhart Tolle

Who wants to carry an unconscious negative charge? A complainer does, as explained in the quote. As Eckhart explains it is best to leave the situation, change the situation or accept it. Think of a time when you complained about something and how you could get rid of the negative charge by doing one of those 3 things.

Have you ever been around someone who does not complain? They are a joy to be around. Think of a time you complained about a certain circumstance and find a solution to that complaint by either: leaving the situation, changing the situation or accepting it.

During my last court battle with my ex in 2013 I had a friend who was using the same attorney as myself. In all my years of court battles I learned that attorneys can be very hard core mean and will take every bit that they can. Court battles are VERY emotional. BTW they are a trigger for my PTSD. My attorney was doing what she could for me, I was broke and unable to pay her. My ex was very wealthy, using 3-4 attorneys at a time and buying his way through the awful court system. I was basically screwed. I could have complained and cried a river but I did not. I learned to “accept it” for what it was. I rarely complained and if I did it was more to just vent what I was going through. And that venting took place with very close, safe friends. I did not air my dirty laundry.

My friend sadly complained to me and those who would listen about her situation, more specifically our attorney. She had been going through a divorce for about 5 years then.  I had been through the court system for 13 years by then and about 6 attorneys too. I knew how they operated. In saying all of this, it all worked out, for everyone involved. It is now 4 years later.

Detachment takes a big heart and stepping back and looking at the BIG picture. You can not complain in the moment. It brings a negative chip and you become a victim. The victim mentality is not a good place to be. People pick up on victim mentality subconsciously and things can spiral out of control from that. The negativity will wear you down, trust me. I let things go a long time ago. Things worked out as they always do. It just takes detachment which means having faith and acting in victor. Don’t be a victim. Quit complaining. Detach and look at the big picture. Will this really matter in the big picture? I seriously doubt it. Breathe and quit complaining. You’ll find a lot more positivity in your life if you do.

Relationships Flourish with Detachment

When you practice detachment continuously – at home, at work, among friends, and especially with difficult people – you will find how much security it brings you in your relationships. Attachments equal a life dictated by self interest, most people live this way. They have expectations of every single person in their life and it becomes selfish expectations if you really look at it. The relationship becomes more about what the other person can do for me rather than doing for the other person. I am here to tell you this is not love and the reason most relationships fall apart.

Saying “I love you” in English means you please me. In Spanish one says “Mi amour” which means “my love”.  Wouldn’t you rather be someone’s love than someone’s possession? Because once you add the word “I” it becomes about you.

If you cannot stand back from your own pleasure and profit then you cannot help but manipulate others which will ultimately lead to a failed relationship and anguish and suffering.

There I go again talking about suffering and pain. But as you see it is our human nature or our ego to “love” selfishly. And I put “love” in quotations because that  is not love. There is nothing selfish about pure love.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 (NCV) Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love takes no pleasure in evil but rejoices over the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures.

This scripture defines true love and detachment is key. It is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish and does not get upset with others. Detachment is not easy because you must take yourself out of the picture and only want the best for the other person, even when you are arguing. Remember, every argument has a victim and a victimizer. If you live in Victor you will not concede to arguing for your selfish purposes and reasons. Victims are selfish, victimizers are selfish. Find your way back to Victor and you will see this! Read about living in victor here.

Detachment equals a life with a sense of purpose. You are free from compulsive emotional entanglements and this the best insurance against stress. The best way I can describe living in detachment is to step back and look at the big picture. Of course you must take your own ego self out of the picture.  Here’s how I would do this with my boys and the awful circumstances we lived through.

So many times I had to deal with the evil step mom pretending to be my boys’ mom. She would go to such extents as getting involved at school functions (see this post). Or she would become the team mom and buy all the mom’s presents and totally leave me out. Oh she wouldn’t just buy presents, she would also throw extravagant parties for the teams at her “beautiful” mansion and of course I would not be invited. Because according to my boys she would say, “that woman is not ever going to enter my house” – referring to me as “that woman”. Really? And what did I do to her? Oh I must have wrecked her home and stole her husband from her. Wait….that’s what she did to me. Oh she can have my husband…I would have wrapped a bow around him and sent him first class. I also would have been her friend for saving me from such an awful existence of life he kept me in.

Back to the big picture and living in detachment. This was never about me (I took myself and my wants out of the picture). My love for my boys was much bigger than that. I learned to live with my boys in spirit. I can tell you that is much more powerful than the forced glory love world she lives in. I never had to say “I am the mom.” because I just am. I do not care what the people she involves herself with think about me. Detachment creates security in relationships and it helped give me security with my boys for now and forever more.

It also helps with romantic relationships but we’ll save that for another post.

How has detachment helped in your relationships?

 

Faith

To one who has faith no explanation is necessary. To one without faith no explanation is possible. -St. Thomas Aquinas

One simple word, faith, is one of the 7 gifts of detachment. However, just like the other gifts there are those who will not see it. Why? Because it might interfere with the ego’s desire to control everything, especially the story that is the life of the ego.

However, I really like this quote which depicts faith as a gift of detachment:

Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until the light returns. -Ann Lamott

How many times have each of us endured a mess, full of emptiness and even discomfort? But then recall the light returned – amidst the mess.

I recall a certain time and place. My oldest son was up for a really big award his junior year in high school. I wanted to attend the awards ceremony yet I knew I would have to face all the discomfort of the parental eyes who had judged me all the years before throughout his sports life. Kyle was a phenomenal baseball player. I think the baseball field was the only place Kyle felt total control of his life because his dad had so many control issues. Kyle played ball from 2001 to his freshman year in college which was 2014. And for most of his life that was all he knew. He was really good, and I am not just saying that because I am his mom.

Anyhow, the sports banquet was in May of 2013. I had made arrangements to work with the parents selling shirts before the banquet. This was way out of my comfort zone. Mind you the evil step mom played out her wicked ways and influenced anyone who would listen to her fake ass, which included 90% of those parents involved. So to them I was probably described as a single mom who abandoned my children for a life of partying and chasing bad boys and whatever else I could get my hands on that would enable me to leave my kids. This could not be further from the truth. But seeing how my ex used his money to buy my boys, their friends, their parents, and whoever else was impressed with his almighty dollar, I was left empty handed. Oh, I did have faith though!

Before the event even began I started getting text messages from one of my sons. I found out later that she was texting from their phones, something she did on a regular basis. “She” being the evil step mother, aka Janica.

My son, um.. I mean her, pretending to be my son, started telling me to leave. That I had never been a mom his entire life and why start now, all of a sudden. Imagine for a minute how I felt…..yea it was messy and left me feeling very empty.

I found out later that she saw my car the second they hit the parking lot, she freaked out. I guess she thought I was going to ceremoniously, finally, come out and yell from the rooftops that I was the mom and she was sham. I guess she was afraid I was going to call her out as the little ghetto girl, actual home wrecker, gone Sugar Land. (lol sorry but that made me laugh).

However, I never had to do any of that because my faith led me in another direction. It is called a direction of truth. You know the truth bubbles up right? …..Yup, that was the name of my book  that describes all my experiences with this woman, and my ex, who wrecked my home so she could have money.  “The Truth Bubbles Up”  and I do not waste my time with all those awful experiences anymore. She is definitely not worth my time nor my breath.

Back to my story of the sports banquet, I left the school in tears, before the event even started. I hope she was happy. I also hope she knows forced glory always fades.

BTW one of my many triggers of PTSD has to do with sporting events of children and parental involvement. I have to work very hard to detach and get back to victor to find peace.

So in a nutshell, faith means you have to work hard to detach — noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and let all that ugliness be there until the light returns.

And guess what? I am here to tell you the light returned. And  her forced glory did fade and continues to fade. Because trust me she still forces it!! But don’t worry, I have faith. And the 7 gifts of detachment.

Where is your faith? And where is your light?

Don’t Grieve for Nothing is Lost

Don’t grieve. Everything you lose comes round in another form. -Rumi

This is one of my very favorite quotes. However, you have to be careful who you share this with because so many people hold onto their pain and missing the person or thing they’ve lost that you will destroy part of their identity if you tell them this.

But if you are open to see this there are so many blessings to be found. This is so true and I love thinking of this. Many times I have felt lost because of the way my boys were raised, especially my baby. But nothing is lost….it simply came around in another form.

One of Rumi’s great teachings is that celebrating our pain and loss leads ultimately to joy. It’s a difficult for Western minds to grasp the idea that whatever we most resist and fear, whatever seemingly unbearable pain we must face, is actually our doorway to freedom and happiness.

Rumi teaches us that even the prospect of the reality of death can inspire courage and serenity. He says:

On the day I die, don’t say she’s gone, he’s gone.

Death has nothing to do with going away.

The sun sets and the moon sets, but they’re not gone. Death is a coming together.

The human seed goes down into the ground like a bucket, and comes up with some unimagined beauty.

Your mouth closes here, and immediately opens with a shout of joy there!

I was talking the other day with someone who I am doing business with and it came down to the story of all my losses along the way. Meaning financial losses, loves lost, relationships lost, etc. But it all brought me to where I am today and I see now how what I lost really came around in another form. Yeah I am old enough now to see how many times this has happened.

But there are those who grieve and talk or Facebook post about missing someone who was lost – – – could be years now – – – oh how sad that they do not see this gift. When I die I hope no one lives in grief because I promise you I will come around in another form. If you look you will find the form but you must be open and let go of that grief.

Only those who live in spirit can see this….let go of your grief and find the other form….

The real mother is revealed by True Love

solomon-baby-burlsblog-wordpress-com1 Kings 3:16-28New Living Translation (NLT)

Solomon Judges Wisely

16 Some time later two prostitutes came to the king to have an argument settled. 17 “Please, my lord,” one of them began, “this woman and I live in the same house. I gave birth to a baby while she was with me in the house. 18 Three days later this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there were only two of us in the house.

19 “But her baby died during the night when she rolled over on it. 20 Then she got up in the night and took my son from beside me while I was asleep. She laid her dead child in my arms and took mine to sleep beside her. 21 And in the morning when I tried to nurse my son, he was dead! But when I looked more closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t my son at all.”

22 Then the other woman interrupted, “It certainly was your son, and the living child is mine.”

“No,” the first woman said, “the living child is mine, and the dead one is yours.” And so they argued back and forth before the king.

23 Then the king said, “Let’s get the facts straight. Both of you claim the living child is yours, and each says that the dead one belongs to the other. 24 All right, bring me a sword.” So a sword was brought to the king.

25 Then he said, “Cut the living child in two, and give half to one woman and half to the other!”

26 Then the woman who was the real mother of the living child, and who loved him very much, cried out, “Oh no, my lord! Give her the child—please do not kill him!”

But the other woman said, “All right, he will be neither yours nor mine; divide him between us!”

27 Then the king said, “Do not kill the child, but give him to the woman who wants him to live, for she is his mother!”

28 When all Israel heard the king’s decision, the people were in awe of the king, for they saw the wisdom God had given him for rendering justice.

I am often asked how I handle the frustration of my ex abusing the system and taking my children away because he had the money to do so. And let’s not forget his wife/mistress pretending to be my children’s mother. She even forced them to refer to me by first name at her house. I guess this was her way of thinking she could be the mom and I would be the step mom. Honestly, I do not know how she thinks. I cannot comprehend why she did the things she did….

Was it painful? Absolutely! But  my answer is one basic thing and this scripture depicts it perfectly. You see, I did not want my children to suffer the drama of the life they portrayed by going postal on my ex and his wife at events or creating a scene saying, I AM THE MOM! No, it was not necessary. I did not have to do this. It is just the Truth. I actually felt some compassion for her because she never had children of her own. I guess she had to do this to feel justified. Again who knows how she thinks…..

Anyhow, I would rather give my children a life of peace when I could control that. I instilled somewhat of a peace around me by practicing the gifts of detachment. I got into victor and let them ‘live’ rather than force myself to be ‘the mom’. I did not let my ego get in the way. In the end and once the big picture is upon us all, the Truth will be revealed. And so it is!

After all, “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” Mark 10:9

God granted me the gift of true motherhood. No one can take that away from me. On the spiritual realm I realized this…..And on some level she realized this as well. As it says in the bible, 27 Then the king said, “Do not kill the child, but give him to the woman who wants him to live, for she is his mother!”

#7giftsofdetachment

“janica” “janica owen” “Kenny owen”

You Can’t Steal Christmas from Whoville

This post was written December 2015…..

Being raised a devout Christian I always loved Christmas – for the reason for the season! You see my fraternal grandfather was a minister in the Cumberland Presbyterian Church with a PhD in Theology. Christmas morning, before we even opened presents my grandfather would read the Christmas story from the one of the gospels of the bible. I treasured hearing his voice and every time I hear or read the story I hear him reading the gospel. I knew what Christmas was all about and I love that feeling.

Today, I am 50 years old, 15 years divorced and I still do not have my boys or my family because my ex and his wife “pretend” they are all theirs. I miss my boys dearly and have not spent an actual Christmas with them in about 8 years now. This is truly sad. Why does this happen you ask? Well I will tell you.

My ex husband is undiagnosed bipolar. He came from a very dysfunctional family. Christmas was a time when the dysfunction was very prominent. I spent about 9 Christmas’ with his family and I can tell you it was cra-cra!!

Every year the men would gather at Kenny’s shop and drink on Christmas Eve, starting as early as 7am. The women and children would get together at the designated home for Christmas and get ready for the delusional event. They would start fighting about Christmas and where it was going to be held in July! Trust me, I witnessed this on several occasions! They would go out and spend extravagantly and wrap the presents and cook a feast. But it was all a dream to them.

And what happened every year? The men would come home drunk around 4 or 5 in the evening and they were expected at lunch time. The women, excluding myself would be very angry and start fighting with the men. One Christmas I witnessed one of Kenny’s brothers coming into the house saying “Screw Jesus!” What the hell? I didn’t know families like this even existed growing up!! Lucky for me, but sad for Kenny. After the second year of witnessing this drama I would say to myself, “AND Y’ALL EXPECTED SOMETHING DIFFERENT?!”

Today Kenny is 54 years old and as we age if we do not get help for our mental illness it gets worse and worse. Kenny has since lost both his parents, his younger brother and his only sister. The only sibling he has left is estranged from Kenny. Like I said Kenny is undiagnosed bipolar and he spends most of his time in manic episodes. When in manic there are huge spending sprees and extravagance to extreme. Because Kenny is somewhat wealthy money is no object for him. Mind you this is “new money”, and it is quite obvious the money is new. Kenny loves his illness and travels often, his wife of course loves this. < NOTE: new money sometimes = no class but no idea they have no class>  It is no problem for him to spend months at a time away from home. This used to drive me crazy. I am a huge homebody and travelling like this did not work for me as I could barely spend a week away from home without getting homesick.

When the holidays come Kenny’s illness shines. Actually his triggers start in September and do not end until January, sometimes February. I begin to think they never end. When I knew him he would hit depression during the end of his manic times and spend countless hours in front of the TV watching movies and eating on the couch.

To be honest and in my psychological opinion, it has become quite apparent to me that, Kenny displaces his feelings for his mother onto me. In his dysfunctional mind he truly thinks he is protecting the boys from the mishaps he grew up with and seriously thinks I am like his mother. He would tell you that I am mentally ill and that I suffer from everything he suffers. This is called projection and I easily combat this by letting the truth  bubble up because it always does. However, this is a very sad reality for me and the reason I do not have a relationship with my boys (at least one of them) because Kenny sabotages it in his warped, sick way. His wife and her issues do not help matters but that is another story.

One of Kenny’s favorite sabotages happen during the Christmas holidays. He plans extravagant vacations even during my time according to the divorce decree. How would he get away with this you ask? I did fight him for a time. I would demand my boys spend the holiday with me and I would be met with huge resentment, especially from my baby. I could barely afford presents for my kids who had everything anyhow. Also, I had to work during the holidays. Why would young teens want to be with me when they could go somewhere extravagant with their dad, their friends included on these trips sometimes. Basically their dad would dangle that carrot in front of them and keep them from me or make my time miserable through his and the step mom’s manipulations of my children.

My own family suffered as well. They were never close to my boys because my boys were never around during the holidays and this hurt them as well.

This makes me extremely sad and it does hurt. But don’t feel sorry for me. I now have a wonderful family to spend time with. We all have our crosses to bear and this is just mine. One day karma will bite them in the butt and it won’t be pretty. It must be a sad existence to live where you have to run from reality and pretend you are something you are not so you can have friends with money or have friends who are impressed with all you have. <because that means so much anyways….lol….NOT!>

In closing I’d like to say that through detachment I feel like Christmas with my boys is like the story of the Grinch who stole Christmas. Remember how after the Grinch stole everything from the village of Whoville the village came out and sang in a circle even though all their material things were taken from them? Well, this is how I feel and how I can face everything. I think the reason the step mom stalks me on the internet is because she can’t understand how I am still happy even though they have taken my (supposed) everything.

Well I can tell you this, they have not taken my everything. My everything is the spirit of Christmas and it lives in me every single day and no one can take that away from me. I live in spirit and am with my boys (who they genuinely are) in spirit always. This is a gift of detachment. No one can take that away from me. That includes the Grinch!!🙂

Trust the Process

rice-field-water-pondBack in 2006 I remember Shary, my  wonderful therapist, telling me a story that happened to one of her friends that depicts “trust the process” or “non-resistance” to a tee.

Shary grew up in Alvin, Texas in the early 60s. Alvin was known for it’s rice crops back before Houston growth overtook the community. Rice fields had  ponds in the middle of the field and looks much like the photo shown above. There are several of these ponds throughout the crops to irrigate the never ending supply of water needed to grow rice.

A few of Shary’s friends were playing in these fields one summer afternoon. A pair of siblings fell into two of these camouflaged ponds, a brother and sister. The brother whaled around and fell victim to the panic and fear of his human body. The sister however, survived because she did not panic and remained calm and relaxed. She was rescued several hours later.

The moral of this sad story is to “trust the process” and go with the flow. Shary told me this story on a day where I was crying over some horrible circumstance I was going through at the time with my ex over our children. Note: I went through hundreds of circumstances like this. I still suffer from PTSD triggers to this day. (I will be writing about my triggers soon and what a trigger looks like and will link that post  here.) However, I can still hear Shary say in her cute southern accent, “Trust the process.”

What does this mean? Well, to me it means to remain calm and have faith and trust that the truth will bubble up one day. This “circumstance” is just a process I must go through to learn the lesson put before me.

Each of us is confronted with situations and circumstances that cause us discomfort. But to grow we must leave our comfort zone, learn the lesson, and move forward.

This too shall pass my friend. Trust the process and do not struggle or panic so as to create a situation where you drown.

Shary used to tell me “stop the bleeding Kathie. You can only bleed so much for your children or you’ll bleed to death.” Wow, what an eye opener for me and an “ah ha moment”.

Did you ever have a time when you had to trust the process? How did that work for you? Feel free to leave a comment.

A Letter to My Boys

635695430104575257-1478017972_letterLetter written on April 30, 2012…

“Love can be hard. Love requires you to be kind when you are angry, patient when you feel anxious, compassionate when you judge others, caring when you feel apathetic, trust when you’ve been wronged, let go when you want to hold on, know that the other person is you, take risks when you’re scared, to always see the lesson and never look back once you’ve decided.” – Jackson Kiddard

I cannot tell you how many times I have had to live these words. I really love you two with all my heart and soul but you have been taken from me in ways that I cannot describe. There have been so many times I have wanted to tell you how I feel but I am not able to because you would not understand. I live for the day you understand.  I will document what happens, what I go through, how I feel, and what I stand for.

I believe that before we are born we stand before God with our spirit guide, angels, and all the loves of our life and plan what we will go through in our lifetime. We plan our illnesses both physical and mental. We plan who we will have in our lives; from those who we will meet for a brief season; to those who will be our friends to help us through the happy and sad times; to those that will take us through the most difficult lessons we must learn. I believe we are given free will and we make choices here that can affect us. But for the most part those who are put in our path were chosen before we got here. Sometimes I wonder why I chose who I did, but then I see you two. I must know it was because of you. The three of us had an agreement and I sacrificed a lot to let y’all have what you have. That is what mother’s do. That is what father’s do. Father’s who know love, like the love of God. I mean look what God sacrificed by giving up His son in death for us. It is concepts like that, that keep me moving along this path I chose.

Having said all that you must know that I do love your dad. I love him unlike anyone else in his life loved him. I love him for who he is underneath all that facade he has. I do not love him for his money. I am probably the only person ever who loved him like this and he did not know how to handle this. Your father is mentally ill and the older he gets the worse he gets. I am saying this with complete compassion (see quote above). I do not judge your father. It is not my place. But I have dealt with his mental illness for over 25 years now. I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. His illness has wreaked havoc on my life for all these years and will for years to come unless he seeks help. But his illness is one where the sick individual loves his illness so much that he will never acknowledge it – unless he is forced to. I have tried to force him….to no avail. You will see. Maybe one day he will hit rock bottom and will have to face it. Maybe one day, one of you will force him to hit rock bottom. Only time will tell. But that is between him and God to be honest.

I am sad for your dad. Knowing what I know about his illness I know that it is worse for him to live with it. He is living a lie. And y’all are sucked into that lie. I often wonder if y’all realize it. You see y’all are forced to rely on him for y’all are still minors. I remember what that was like. I thought my childhood was normal until my junior year in college. I remember very distinctly I was taking Theories of Psychology and it came to me like an “ah ha!” moment. My childhood was not normal. However, there is no such thing as “normal”. There was a bigger world out there. I can only hope and pray you see that day too one day. And I can only hope and pray that you see what I went through while you were children. How I hurt every single day for you. How I suffered at your dad’s hands and how he hurt me so. He maliciously hurt me and he did so with a vengeance. You will see as I will have it documented every step along the way how he planned and manipulated things to work his way. He has serious control issues and will do everything he can to control the situation so it works his way and he will hurt everyone in his way no matter what. Trust me I have been hurt thousands of times because of it.

Boys, this is not normal. Nor is this right. One of my biggest fears is you will grow up with his value system and never see the err of his ways. And even worse you will never see what I stand for. So I write. I will write and write until hopefully it is all down in words that you will see what I went through. And most importantly what I stand for!

I can tell you right now that I do not stand for money. That right there is probably the main reason for me that we got a divorce. Not the fact that your dad was dating another woman. Even though he was. But it takes two for a marriage to fall apart. I can tell you right now that my part for the marriage falling apart was the fact that I did not stand for being all showy when it came to money. I abhor that concept right there. We used to live in LaPorte in a little house and had real friends and had fun. But when your dad fired all those friends and did something in his business in December of 1994 that irritated all his close, real friends we moved. We bought that huge house in Richmond and that was not my style. As soon as we bought that house your dad never returned to LaPorte. And we lost all our normal friends. We started living a lifestyle that is not normal, nor was it normal for Kenny. Your dad changed. And something snapped, but I was pregnant with Kyle.

And so I live with the words of this quote and strive to teach this to you as well…..Love can be hard. Love requires you to be kind when you are angry, patient when you feel anxious, compassionate when you judge others, caring when you feel apathetic, trust when you’ve been wronged, let go when you want to hold on, know that the other person is you, take risks when you’re scared, to always see the lesson and never look back once you’ve decided.”

Expect Nothing

hou_1093Blessed is the man who expects nothing for he shall never be disappointed. -Alexander Pope

I grew up a huge Houston sports fan. My father has a PhD in Mathematics and is a very intelligent man. He taught graduate math. Do you know how you get a PhD in Math? You prove a theory no one else has proven. My dad graded this stuff and granted PhDs. Talk about a high IQ. To bond with my dad I had to learn spectator sports and fishing because those were things he did as hobbies that I could relate to. I watched a lot of college football and, my personal favorite, baseball.

My very favorite team is the Houston Astros. I grew up watching the game with my dad and brothers. They knew so much about the game and I learned every aspect of the game (as a spectator). To me, baseball is the most intruging sport out there. Too add to my delight my oldest son Kyle played the game for years. I never thought there would be someone I would love watching the game with more than my dad but Kyle comes in awful close. He can tell you what is going to happen, usually before it happens. Amazing!! Actually both of my boys understand the game as well as the team building/drafting process. It is a joy to listen to their perspective and knowledge.

Anyhow, if you know much about Houston sports we lack something….it’s called winning the World Series, making it to the Super Bowl. Plain and simple, they do not win. Oh, I know the Rockets have made it before but I am talking about this decade, even the last 20 years!! And my favorite team the Astros are seriously lacking!! We made it to the World Series in 2005 but were unable to win a single game. Talk about disappointing!!

Then I came across this quote by Alexander Pope. I quickly applied my own twist to it:

“Happy is the Houston fan who expects nothing for she is never disappointed.”

I watch the games and I enjoy my team, win or lose. I enjoy watching with my son, unless he gets terribly angry and starts yelling at the TV. Hmmm, must be genetic because my dad did the same thing. I never heard my dad cuss except on Sunday afternoon at the Houston Oilers. :))

This anger I am speaking about is where the disappointment or defense comes from. I mean it is like they are saying “you personally suck” on national TV.

One Sunday I was wearing my JJ Watt jersey in Dallas and checking out of the hotel where I had stayed while visiting my boys at college. The guy told me that I could check out because of my jersey. Now I know he was just kidding, but what the heck? Have you ever thought to yourself why people react like this. Why act like you “hate” someone because they do not root for your team?? People get so offensive over sports. Notice I said ‘offensive’, it is like they need to put you down so they can score.

Over time I have learned to expect nothing because that is what non-attachment is. I do not get attached to my team, win or lose. I enjoy the process and love my team.

Trust or enjoy the process…..funny that’s another gift of attachment.